Heartbreak. One simple word, yet so many different feelings slowly drift to the surface with it. At first sight many associate it with a tough breakup, but forget that there are heartbreaks of many types. You see, friends can break your heart too.
So many times I’ve asked myself, why? Why do people have to do the shitty things they do? Why do we have to lose the ones we thought we’d never lose? Why do people who you’d never break, break you? That little question- why.
I’m probably not the only one asking myself that. Since heart-breaking friends are a lot worse than heart-breaking boys or girls. Because friends are the ones you always count on. No matter what. You tell them your deepest and darkest secrets, you talk to them about boys and the latest news and well, everything there is to talk about.
When you have a true friend it’s hard to imagine a life without them. The future is set. You imagine living next door, your kids playing together in the playground, helping each other, growing up together. It sucks when you realize that that’s not the case. That in their eyes it probably never was.
I used to have a friend like that. I think there’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for her/him. Sure, I wasn’t perfect. I could be annoying and sometimes hard to deal with, but still, friends are supposed to accept you for who you are, not offend you because of who you’re not.
When I realized that the person I naively called my friend, wasn’t even close to one, I was hurt. Deeply. But as time passed I was grateful that things had turned out the way they did. If they hadn’t I’d still be hanging out with people that weren’t even there for me. I’d be trusting people that were betraying that trust every single day. I’d be glorifying and protecting people who only knew how to lie and talk shit about me to my other so-called “friends”. Yeah, no thanks. I don’t need that shit in my life. No one does.
I guess things always turn out the way they’re supposed to. You realize who your real friends are and you start to appreciate them more than you ever have before. Now you know who to trust and who will always have your back no matter what.
At a younger age, I always found it “cool” when I saw how many friends someone had. The more the better. But the truth is, that person must be miserable. Or he will be eventually when he realizes that half of those “friends” aren’t friends at all.
You have to live through these kinds of things. You have to cry, hurt, bleed to realize what it is that actually matters in this life, to realize that whatever or whoever you lose is worth losing. Because you gain so much more and you never go back to who you were before.
But life isn’t about the past. It isn’t about the people from the past and it certainly isn’t about who you used to be. It’s about who you are at this very moment, what you’ve learned and what’s yet to come.
I know that right now is the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m surrounded by people who belong in my life and I’m glad that everything turned out the way it did. Because I finally know the answer to that little question- why.
With love, Nina
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