“But what will my neighbor Ana (who I haven’t spoken to once in my life) think of me when she finds out? What will her family say (which I don’t even know)? What kind of a person does that make me (hmm... totally irrelevant)?''
There was a time in my life when I asked myself these kinds of questions. When I worried about these kinds of things. I worried because I was afraid of what people might think of me. I worried because I didn't want to be seen or viewed a certain way. I worried because I cared. And I guess most of us are wired in such a way. We want to seem presentable, we want to be liked, we want to be accepted. But in the world we live in these kinds of ''goals'' seem to be far fetched, because the truth always seems to be redesigned one way or another. If you trust the wrong people or if someone hears or sees something they shouldn't have, everything can be understood the ''wrong way''.
Once upon a time, I posed for an art exhibition... topless. It was an amazing story that this photographer created with her pictures and since I'm an old, artistic soul, I was in. I've always been a sucker for art. I've even been an actress in a local theater. I love everything there is to love about raw, honest art, so the opportunity to pose for an idea that I admired and respected seemed incredible. So naturally, I went for it.
I know that certain individuals or a certain type of people will never understand this kind of thinking. But you know what? We weren't born to understand it all. I'll never understand some things either. I'll never understand why some don’t like dogs, why others like to talk bad about individuals they don't even know and why so many hurt people who don't deserve to be hurt. While others won't understand me posing topless. It's as simple as that.
I remember how one of my high school friends sent me this picture. She was polite about it, but I knew that part of her judged me. I thought I'd be angry or upset or sad, but actually, I wasn't. I honestly didn't really... care. I just understood something she didn't. I saw things from a different point of view. Where she saw a mistake, I saw beauty.
Though, I have to mention that when I was asked to shoot for Playboy, I said no. And It’s not that I have anything against it. On the contrary, I respect all of the ladies who are brave enough to go with it, but Playboy isn’t really “me”. As I said, I’m suuuper into art photography, theater and I don’t mind getting exposed in that kind of way. But Playboy represents something totally different, and I’m just not comfortable with that. Some would say it’s the same thing, you show your boobs in any case scenario. But it isn’t. Because to me, the ideology behind it matters, too. It matters why you’re getting exposed. Just like it matters why you make certain other decisions in life, right?
And this precise decision actually empowered me. From the moment I decided to go with it, I knew that many will have sooo much to say about it... about me. So much negativity to spread. But you know what? Regardless, I did it anyway. And it felt f****** good. I felt free. Just the idea of doing something so different is quite liberating.
It thought, or better said- it reminded me that people will always have something bad to say about you, they'll always have one more lie to spread, one more trigger to pull. So you might just do whatever the f*** you wanna do. The people who know you, who love you and respect you, will carry on feeling the same way, no matter what. And those are the exact same individuals who know that I'm the same Nina with my shirt on or with my shirt off. And when you know you have that kind of support in your life, everything else turns into dust.
Ask yourself if it really matters that your neighbor and her/his family judge you? Does it matter that people who don't even know who you are, think you're out of line? No. Actually, it doesn't. And in 10 years from now, it'll matter even less.
One day you simply realize that not everyone will understand you, not everyone will see things the same way you see them, not everyone will support you in everything you do. But that's okay, too. Because you're not doing it for them. You're doing it for you.
With love, Nina
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